by brenton crozier
The Internet is an unparalleled tool for amassing information. With virtual libraries, newspapers, articles, essays and opinions at your fingertips, everyone can take just a few minutes a day to become more informed voters. I realize not everyone has the time to read up on the candidates to properly equip themselves with the knowledge needed to make a good decision come voting day, so I took it upon myself to gather information about the leading candidates. This way you can feel good about your decision.
I don’t have the space to discuss the fringe candidates, but was sure to include the major players. Make your vote count and remember people, knowledge is power or something like that.
You may know that he finds bear suits funny, but where does he stand on the issues? Ha, who cares? The only thing that you need to know is how great it would be to listen to Christopher Walken deliver anything. That is a State of the Union address that I would tune in for. Can you imagine?
“Ladies and gentleman, the President of the United States, Christopher Walken!” Then he would come out and say something like, “People, people, you got me all wrong here.” Can’t a boy dream?
Kneel before Zod! General Zod is back and demanding your vote and complete allegiance. He is planning to restore our dignity and make us servants worthy of his rule. I noticed that he conveniently left the little Superman incident from the 80s off his site!
Zod’s site is comprehensive and contains a personal letter stating why he is running (complete domination), campaign news like his demand for $142 million in tribute, an Ask the General section and his platform. Some of his platforms include, “I don not take orders, I give them,” and “Your freedom will be expanded to give your money and lives to me.”
I don’t know, I was all about Walken, but Zod’s sounding pretty good. His candor and vicious conviction really strike a chord with me.
Macgyver has the hair, sweet leather jacket and mad skills to make a bomb with fingernail clippers, chewing gum and 7-UP. This is this cycle’s “smart choice.” Part of his platform includes Swiss Army knives for every child and he will single-handedly bring the War on Terror to an end armed only with some household goods. I like him, but am suspicious about his ties to the paperclip industry lobbyists.
Jack Bauer is a man that loves his country and will cross the line for it—all within a 24-hour time period! Bold, patriotic, brave, loyal and courageous, Jack will bring an end to terrorism and restore world peace, but just don’t ask him how. Apparently, this presidential hopeful has a sense of humor as displayed in the Jack Bauer joke section of his site. User submitted hilarity ensues with such quips as, “Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone,” and “On the 7th day, God rested. Then Jack Bauer took over.” You could have 8 years of these types of high-caliber jokes.
This is the sleeper candidate of the cycle. Internationally known psychic Gerald Polley, has been channeling messages from The Kingdom of God (Heaven) for many years and is “dedicated to helping all The Forces of Good to keep the Earth going.” He’s looking for some sponsors for his incredible ads and has a hot new logo (designed posthumously by Jackson Pollock). This guy is on the rise! To spend a few hours laughing, check out his campaign commercials at youtube.com/presidentialelection.
I only hope to inform you, not influence you. I’ve done my part to perpetuate the democratic process with the most comprehensive, resourceful and trustworthy source of information—the Internet.
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