by brenton crozier
Nothing makes me more nauseous than overdoing it at Krystal at 2 a.m. after a night of drunken revelry. However, a close second is our society’s propensity for unadulterated celebrity worship. Publications and websites that feature celebrity gossip are sold and visited in droves. Even a hack like Perez Hilton has found millions in dishing the dirt as people (let’s be frank, mostly women) rush to see what trainwreck Britney has gotten herself into, who is the latest icon to adopt an impoverished African kid or what so-and-so wore to such-and-such. So I’m just going to go ahead and contribute to the hysteria with a couple of sites that stick it to these self-important bozos and bimbos. But when you get down to it, even these sites are simply another form of fodder for gossipmongers. I’ll exploit anything, even my own convictions, to fill my column.
Try a deep dish of distorted, hilarious and often mean-spirited celebrity voyeurism. But they’re people too, you say? Nay, nay friend, they are robots. Robots programmed with vanity, frivolity and obtuse chips. I’m all for brain candy and guilty pleasures. A Journey ballad or two may find its way into my CD player and the occasional big action movie into my DVD player, but where do you draw the line? How far does your dignity really stretch? Were you able to get through your day with knowing what Suri Cruise looked like? Poise intact; join me in exploiting the exploited the way respectable people do, on the Internet.
Gallery of the Absurd uses artistic license to embellish the already embellished. The artwork is fantastic and the descriptions are uproarious. The featured exhibit this week is themed “I’m Sick of Celebrity Fragrances and I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore.” The highlight of this particular exhibit is Part 1, a fragrance by Diddy. The cologne is called “Self Promotion Man” with a tagline of “Buy This and Make Diddy Even Richer.” The poster displays Diddy kissing his favorite person in the entire world, himself.
Features are categorized simply by name. Britney Spears is a staple and Brangelina, Courtney Love, Posh and Becks and Madonna are frequent targets. My absolute favorite is the Alec Baldwin Daddy Dearest Talking Doll. “Each time you pull the string, you’ll marvel at how Daddy dearest begins to redden as he trembles with livid anger.” He screams his catchy father-to-daughter expressions of love such as, “You’re a pig,” “You have insulted me for the last time” and “Your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass!” I hope I can get my daughter one in time for Christmas!
“Uncover the fame and discover the shame” on Celeb Slap! The folks at Celeb Slap bring you superstar news the only way it should be brought, with heaping spoonfuls of biting mockery and irreverence. It is a bit like Perez Hilton but much more clever and minus the contrived cattiness.
Although no celebrity is safe, this site really gives it to the particular camera hogs that deserve it the most. Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and K-Fed are recurrent targets. The featured “Slappers” smell the blood in the water and they go for it, to the reader’s delight, and it don’t stop.
To give you a taste, there was a recent slap given to the unhinged Amy Winehouse titled “Amy Winehouse is Freaking Me Out!” A rather candid and frightening photo of Winehouse is shown with the signature Elvira eye shadow, dangling cigarette, wife beater and myriad tattoos. The text reads, “This is by far the worst case of crackheadness I’ve ever seen!” Indeed it is Celeb Slap, indeed it is.
Enjoy these sites and show your love for the hate!
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EU Critic’s Choice Awards
