by erin thursby scopes1925@msn.com
C+ Rated PG13 117 min.
I spent plenty of time laughing during this movie, even during parts that weren’t meant to be funny. I spent most of the movie thinking “Are they kidding?” Then when I realized they weren’t, I just had to laugh. It’s supposed to have humor but it’s still supposed to be Epic, like with a capital E. It isn’t. It is the best bad movie I’ve seen this year. But don’t wait for the DVD. Go see it in the theatre. Pay the extra money for the 3-D version. It’s well worth it.
The 3-D and pretty CGI helped distract me from what a bad movie it really was. Even though the voice acting was done by some very prominent actors, it was as though they purposely picked some of the most wooden or unspeakably hammy reads. Don’t get me started on the bit parts.
It was only in the second half of the movie that the characters began using the full range of expression. Before that they seemed CGI dead. The last scenes were the best, CGI wise, as far as faces were concerned.
Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) rules a kingdom rich with phallic symbols and cups of mead. They like to party. It’s their thing. But they have this neighbor who hates loud parties. Instead of asking them to “keep it down” the neighbor decides to go on a killing spree. He happens to be a horrible monster/demon/thing named Grendel, whose main party trick is ripping bodies limb from limb. Understandably, this just kills the party. Hrothgar offers gold to whatever hero rids them of the terrible Grendel.
Enter Beowulf (Ray Winstone), who comes by sea for the gold and glory. When faced with horrible monsters and terrible peril, Beowulf’s response is to shed clothing. In light of his CGI abs and well-rendered bottom, this did not make me unhappy. Maybe it’s a secret weapon. Victory is assured, but only if he shows some skin. Just so you know, the more dangerous it is, the less he wears. Things get REALLY dangerous, but there are strategically placed soldiers and sharp, pointy objects to hide an area of Beowulf that we all wanted to see in 3-D.
He hurts Grendel mortally, but the next night most of the men in the mead hall are dead and hung from the ceiling. They figure out that the perpetrator isn’t Grendel, but Grendel’s mom, who’s sort of miffed. She spares Beowulf, presumably because she thinks he’s hot.
So Beowulf goes, all gung-ho, ready to fight Grendel’s mother. Only she turns out to be Angelina Jolie, so fighting is the last thing on his mind. I bet you can guess what is on his mind, even if you haven’t seen the promos. Again, peril makes him shed his clothing. Gotta love the peril.
Once Beowulf takes care of the problem neighbors, he returns for a party and feasting. Hrothgar names him heir to his kingdom. Beowulf becomes the king, then we fast-forward to years later (signified by gray hair). Beowulf has everything he had wanted in life: a legendary name, the girl(s), a whole kingdom and a stylish crown. Still, it all seems hollow to the hero.
It’s all too easy, and the King is bored. Time to get naked.
Old King Beowulf faces a rival warlord on the battlefield. As he harangues the poor dude, Beowulf starts stripping off the armor and begins to tear off his own shirt. I half-expected Beowulf to pipe up with “Don’t make me naked. You wouldn’t like me when I’m naked.”
But he doesn’t take it all off for the “warlord”—the guy isn’t dangerous enough.
Later, when Beowulf actually decides to wear armor while fighting a dragon, things don’t go nearly so well. My theory—too many clothes.
I am only buying this movie on DVD if they have an X-rated version, but I don’t regret seeing it on the big screen. It’s a must-see.
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EU Critic’s Choice Awards
