by rick grant rickgrant01@comcast.net
F Rated NR 180 min
This movie is so bad that it immediately turns into self-parody–an unintentional comedy. Call it Blazing Petticoats. How bad is it? Ah, let me count the ways. Based on Clay County resident Lydia Hawke’s romance novel set in the last stages of the Civil War in Columbia, South Carolina, the script is poorly written, the acting is wooden, the cinematography is uninspired, with stark lighting (no subtlety or shading), and it abounds with cheesy makeup and effects. You can see the palm prints on actors’ faces where the makeup was carelessly applied. Before ten minutes of film rolls by, a hapless viewer would cry out, “You can’t be serious!”
Directed by Christopher Forbes, this film could be a contender for the worst film ever made, competing with such classics as Plan 9 from Outer Space. And, with a 3 hour run time, the movie could be used as a form of torture. The victim would plead with his captors to please don’t start up the second DVD. Another alternative – it could be a movie for the bong crowd to goof on. Hey, I was sober and I laughed ‘till I cried.
Yes, it’s hard to believe someone actually spent money shooting this debacle. Worse yet, they didn’t realize it was a cinematic train wreck. It isn’t Ford’s first Civil War film either, he also wrote and directed a film from the Dixie side of the Civil War called The Battle of Aiken, which is certain to be equally as bad. FireTrail takes place during Sherman’s scorched earth march through the South, destroying everything. The cinematographer loved shooting buildings burning with shadows in front, a pathetic reference to Gone with the Wind
Hawke’s protagonist is Blake Winberry, a Confederate cavalry Captain who is transferred from the Virginia front to defend his home state of South Carolina. When he arrives home he finds out his fiancee has taken up with another man–a cowardly draft dodger. But in the opening scene, Capt. Winberry rescues a damsel in distress, Judith Rogers who is fending off a gang of highwaymen with her trusty Colt six-shooter. Judith recently lost her husband in the war and Captain Winberry is instantly smitten by her. Yeah, we know where this is headed.
Captain Winberry moves quickly to ask Judith to marry him so he can get a little nooky before going back to the front. The hastily arranged shack-up, oops, I mean wedding, has scandalized the family, but dammit, there’s a war on and everyone could be dead tomorrow. So let Captain Winberry and Judith have their fun. General Sherman is closing in on Columbia, South Carolina. Burn baby burn, as more shots of buildings burning turn the viewer’s brain into mush. “Oh look, fire–oh my God their cheap sets are burning up,” I mumbled.
The movie’s comedic value includes the worst acting I’ve witnessed in my entire 23 year career of reviewing movies. The actors utter their lines like robots. It’s hilarious. The fake Southern accents are even funnier. In one scene, the woman of the house is secretly hoping that she will be violated by the marauding Union troops. “Oh my, do you think I will get violated?” she asks rhetorically. “Uh, maybe if you’re lucky,” I heckled the screen.
The only redeeming feature of this movie is Lydia Hawke’s talent at relentless promotion of herself and her projects. I have to commend her for getting the movie made and shown in theaters, despite its wretchedness. Hey, maybe it was intended to be a sly satire? It did make me laugh hysterically. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This movie could be used as an example of bad filmmaking, shown to film students who would be assigned to write papers on its many flaws. It may make a good gag gift. If you’re interested, order your DVD at lydiahawke.us.
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