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entertaining u newspaper: your weekly guide to entertainment
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by rick grant
rickgrant01@comcast.net
D Rated PG 95 min
“Why can’t Hollywood make a decent Christmas movie?” I ask every year. Over the years, there have only been a handful of memorable holiday movies–most of which were made years ago. Every year, the producers roll out the schlock like bushels of cheap tinsel. In this case, filmmaker John Whitesell hired a stellar cast, but the team of writers delivered a lackluster script that only has a few funny scenes in the beginning of the film. Then the story degenerates into maudlin molasses.
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The premise involves two neighbors, Steve Finch (Matthew Broderick) and Buddy Hall (Danny DiVito) who are feuding over Buddy’s extravagant light display. His goal is for his lights to be seen from a private satellite orbiting in space, accessed by computer. Steve is a quiet conservative guy who has always been the town’s Mr. Christmas–participating in the complete Christmas experience. Buddy’s eye-popping lights make him the town hero–the new Mr. Christmas. Buddy has stolen Steve’s thunder.
Carter Finch, (Dylan Blue) Steve’s 13 year old boy has most of the funny lines in the beginning of the film. When he sees Buddy’s beautiful twin daughters, he goes gaga and offers himself up for adoption. It’s rumored that the town sheriff is a cross-dresser. In one scene he’s wearing a bra under his shirt and when he bends over, his thong underwear shows. Buddy shows up with a horse drawn sleigh and Steve ends up trapped on it with the runaway horses taking him off on a thrill ride through town. It’s really lame shtick.
Buddy sells cars and he’s good at it. He even sells a car to the owner of the dealership. He wins 3 grand because the other salesmen bet he couldn’t sell a car to a customer, who turned out to be the owner. Buddy spends the money on more lights and sophisticated mixing technology to control them. Soon, his house is the talk of the county, with traffic jams of people coming in to view the spectacle. Buddy is sucking down the town’s grid.
The one note samba story drags on with Buddy adding more and more lights, and still the house can’t be seen from space. Finally, Steve snaps and sneaks across the street and scuttles Buddy’s electricity fuse box. No worries, Buddy has a back-up generator, which causes more noise. Now, Steve declares war on Buddy. He buys some illegal fireworks to blast Buddy’s house in retaliation.
The scenario goes down hill after the middle part, causing one to question the sanity of filmdom’s moguls who seem to think that the Christmas season causes everyone in America to go senile. Yes, anything goes during the holiday madness. Even Tim Allen’s Santa Clause movies are funnier than this nonsense.
Kristin Davis, of Sex in The City fame, performed her best Donna Reed impression as the wholesome housewife, obsessed with Christmas. Kristin Chenoweth portrays Buddy’s wife Tia Hall with much more flair than Davis’ Kelly Finch. But this mythical suburban cul de sac Christmas drones on with enough sappy sentimentality to choke a horse.
And so, we critics endure this seasonal onslaught of movies that were thrown together for the nationwide epidemic of stupidity during the holiday season. And, we still go back and watch the perennial favorite Christmas Story, (You’ll put your eye out.) which is always hilarious and we weep at Miracle on 34th Street. Still, every holiday season, not one Hollywood producer bothers to find something substantive to adapt into a worthwhile holiday movie.
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